Her Madgesty turns 50 next month, so here at Shag Pile Towers we’ve had a whip round and come up with a birthday present. It’s prettily wrapped, it’s priceless, and it’s something she really, really needs. Our gift to the Queen of Pop is a piece of advice: DUMP THE LOSER!

Madonna may be half a century old, but she doesn’t need to settle for the scruffy ginger-tinged services of a petulant hasbeen. For one brief moment Guy was the cool pseudo-Cockney saviour of British film, and for the rest of the time he’s just been a cock. Sullenly resenting his wife’s fame, unable to compete with the most successful female recording artist of the twentieth century, he’s spent the last seven years clutching her so hard it must have left bruises.

And now, after the stories of divorce and dissent, Kabbalah and control-freakery, dalliances (her with a baseball player, him with his own ego) and a disastrously high-profile adoption, they’re portraying a united front once more. Here they are, going out to dinner in New York the other night, as if one strained appearance will quash the gossip forever.

What’s wrong with this picture?

When famous people make a deliberate display of togetherness, they dress up for the paparazzi (if not each other). If she’s the alpha in the relationship she’ll wear something soft and girlish, yielding and pliant, while he’ll be all casual masculinity. They’ll put on a show, they’ll twinkle with delight, they’ll ooze with barely concealed rekindled lust.

Admittedly, Madonna’s never been much of an actress - have you seen her in hubby’s film, Swept Away? That’s exactly what I wanted to happen to the entire cast and crew. But she’s always been a style icon. From fingerless lace gloves to conical bras and flat caps, she’s channelled trends, inspired Jean Paul Gaultier and modelled for Versace.

In short, this woman knows how to dress. So despite her limited theatrical range, you’d have thought she could put on a nice Gucci frock and some Balenciaga heels, and pretend to have a good time.

Nope. She seems to have simply given up. Tired of the lies, the sham marriage and the relentlessly sexual persona, Madonna’s packed her hideously garish overnight bag and is just itching to escape - if only she had the energy. Shame she needs Guy to help her walk, let alone run.

She’s hobbling into the restaurant in an old pair of tap shoes, with cut-off support hose to keep her varicose veins at bay. Over those she’s layered a pair of David Beckham’s soccer shorts. She’s even packing Golden Balls’ jock sock, deployed to such memorable effect in the Armani ads. (As if Guy wasn’t emasculated enough.)

Frankly, this photo is more shocking than any of Madge’s raunchy religious naked posturing. She looks like a mad little old lady with fragile brittle bones and the drunk approach to styling that signals early onset dementia.

She looks like Courtney Love.

She looks so f**king old.